Last summer, I was scrolling Twitter (as I do...) and ran across an article about a podcast called Missing Richard Simmons. It was a friend of Richard Simmons investigating the "disappearance" of his friend. I had never listened to a podcast, but was intrigued by the story so I got on the podcast app (which was just sitting there on my phone) and downloaded the podcast.
I was hooked. Not only was I hooked on the story, I was hooked on podcasts. And in the last year, I have been *borderline* obsessive. (Note: the word borderline is used to give the appearance of being less crazy than I am.) My next step was to listen to Serial. I vaguely recalled all of my friends posting about Serial on Twitter a year or two before. So I listened to the whole thing in about two days. (Note: I told you I was obsessive. Also please note: it was summer, so I wasn't working or anything.) I was going to keep listening, but everyone told me that season 2 of Serial wasn't ANYWHERE as good as season 1. From there it's been this endless rabbit hole. I mostly listen to true crime podcasts, but I have a few other random ones that I've loved (looking at you S-town) and I also listen to some sermons/Christian speakers. But hours and hours of murder. And I love it. My favorite is the friendships that I have formed over podcasts. It seems kinda lame, but I really have gotten to know many people better because of our shared interest in true crime. (My friends Karen and Georgia would refer to these people are Murderinos....) If you're interested, I have a ton of suggestions! I listen all the time, but mostly in the car or while I'm getting ready. If you have an iPhone, there's an app on your phone already- it's purple and you probably stuck it in a random folder. If you have a not-iPhone, you'll need to download a podcast app. I think there's lots- my sister-in-law uses Stitcher. And I'm 84% sure that Spotify hosts podcasts as well. Also, my teacher friends and I decided that if someone forces me to use a gun in my job, we will quit and start a life coaching business and have a podcast, which is my lifegoal. If you want me to be on your podcast, I'll make that happen. I am here for it. I love bonding over podcasts, so if you have a good one that I need to listen to, let me know!!! Read More to see my favorite podcasts!
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Ruth 1: 5- both Mahlon and Chilion died, and Naomi was left without her two children and without her husband.
I have read the story of Ruth multiple times in my life, but tonight I noticed Namoi, kinda fort the first time. I mean. I always knew she was THERE, but this wasn't her story. It's Ruth's. But tonight, I noticed the heartache and agony of verse 5. Naomi's life is kinda trucking along- she has a husband and two sons, and both of her sons marry (what I assume are very lovely) girls. And then with very little fanfare, she is left without. Without her two children. Without her husband. The phrase "left without" is what struck me. She had. Now she had not. She was with. But now she is without. 1 Timothy 5:5-6- The real widow, left all alone, has put her hope in God and continues night and day in her petitions and prayers, however, she who is self-indulgent is dead even while she lives. In the face of being without- without a husband, without children, without a house, without daily friends- am I putting my hope in God or am I self-indulgent and dead while I live? In the past year in particular, I have used without as an excuse: an excuse to indulge in sin. an excuse to avoid and disengage with church. an excuse to eat. an excuse to lay. an excuse to keep secrets. an excuse to ignore God. an excuse to ignore the Bible. an excuse to ignore prayer. But it's all an excuse. My life without doesn't mean that I have to be dead while I live. That is a choice. My without CAN be a moment to put my hope in God and continue day and night in my petitions and prayers. Lord, let it be true of the rest of my without. Whether that is 5 days or 5 months or 5 years or a lifetime. May my life of without bring glory to you and your kingdom, and mostly, let me know you more even though it seems that my life is without. I am always with you. Hebrews 13:5- Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. Or, rather, you are always with me. My best friends and I have a group message, and we discuss many topics from how best to destroy our enemies to the most important traits in relationships. We're all over the place, in the best ways.
Last week, we started talking about the new year and the goals we've made. We settled on the words goals instead of resolutions, because goals are a moving target with highs and lows, but resolutions tend to create unrealistic standard with no room for failure. One friend's goal is to run a race each month. Another's is to work out regularly and take some sort of class at the university where she is employed. One of my goals this past year was to date. I did. I don't love it. I must not be very good at it. But I am trying. But what about this year? What do I hope to acccomplish by the end of 2017. I've been thinking about it quite a bit, so here's what I have come up with.
What are your goals? I love Christmas music. All kinds really, but I mainly love the traditional hymns that are only sung around Christmas. (Side note: why do we only sing these at Christmas? Should we always be celebrating the birth of Jesus? I digress.) I have XM radio, and there is a Christmas music station (Channel 17, for those of you who need it), and I have been listening to it for about a month now. It’s amazing.
I’ve learned some things listening to this station. First. Not every Christmas song is a good one. You know this is true. Stop shaking your head at me. Second. Everyone and their mom’s cousin has recorded a Christmas album. Mariah? Obviously. Amy Grant? Not surprised. Train? Yep. Lionel Richie. You betcha. Lionel actually through me for a loop the other day. I was riding to school, and his cover of Joy to the World came on. The second he started singing, the literal words out of my mouth were, “man his voice is like butter”. (Side note: I have no idea why I’m single.) But Lionel kept on singing, “Let every heart prepare his room”. What? Did he just sing his instead of him? Turn this up and listen again for the repeat. “Let every heart prepare his room.” Lionel, I don’t know how to tell you this, but those aren’t the words. And in changing the words, it made me realize the meaning of that line more than ever before. By singing “prepare his room”, it turns the song into a beautiful hymn about decorating. And I know I can be guilty of turning Christmas into a season of decorating- worried about how my house looks, how my gifts look, my lack of Christmas card looks (maybe I need to rethink that previous post...). Only worried about the appearances. But, singing “prepare him room”, we preparing room in our hearts for him. Preparing our hearts for this baby who is the Savior of the world. Making space in our crowded hearts for the one who knows our hearts best. Moving the decorations and appearances to the side so Jesus can take his rightful place. May this season not be about decorating a room, but rather preparing space in your heart for the Savior of the world. Christmas cards make me sad.
I love getting Christmas cards in the mail. Seriously. I leave them up in my house all year long because I want to see them all year. And I leave yours up until you send me a new one next year. Most of my friends and family take adorable pictures and then order adorable cards. And I hang them up and love them for the whole year. And my heart really wants send out a Christmas card. But I just cannot bring myself to have a picture made of just me by myself and send it out to all my friends and family. Maybe that’s my own insecurity, but I can’t help but imagine my picture hanging alone in a wall filled with smiling families. That I don’t have. And may not ever have. Being single at Christmas is somehow harder than being single the rest of the year. I’ve only recently been able to pinpoint exactly what’s hard about being single as an adult. Other than the very obvious, I am alone. And my married friends, especially those with kids, have a tendency to say things like, “oh I would kill for some alone time”. And I really do appreciate that perspective. However, I don’t have alone time. I am alone. Alone time is escaping from the stress and work and people that place demands on your life. Real alone-ness means that there is not one person on earth who thinks of me first when they get good news. There is not one person on earth who calls/texts me every day. There is not one person on earth that checks with me when making plans. There is not one person on earth who loves me most. Please know that there are many people who love me and love me well. I have amazing friends and family and coworkers. But it doesn’t change the fact that most of them have someone. And I do not. But more than that, I have come to realize that the absence of my own family is really what makes the holidays so bittersweet. Everything around the holidays is centered around the family: from big meals to visiting Santa Claus to Christmas cards to tree lightings to parties. When I was growing up, everything from the holidays had to do with my family, and I assumed (not sure if that is normal or not…) that my life would be like that when I was older. I just assumed that I would stop spending every holiday with my parents. I just assumed that I would get to be Santa to someone. I just assumed that I would get to experience the magic of Christmas with babies and children. I just assumed there would be the creation of our own Christmas traditions. This doesn’t have a positive ending. I’m sorry. I wish I could make it rainbows and sunshine. But the fact is that it just makes me sad. I've blogged before, but I stopped. Boredom, I guess, but here I am. I don't know if I will even annoucne that this exists. But at this point in my life, I feel that there are so many words inside of me, and if I can't get them out, then I may explode. I am a Chrisitan. In the Ameircan South. And I'm not sure if I like the Christianity we have created here. I am not entirely sure it matches with the Bible or with the teachings of Jesus. I want to be a person who depends on the Bible for truth, and not just the words of my mama. Although the words of my mama are pretty solid. She is the greatest person on earth. No doubt.
So here's this. Take it. Leave it. I don't know what I'm doing. |
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January 2017
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